Trying To Shift, The Clutch Is Sticking

I haven’t updated in quite a while, but the genuineness behind that is, not much has occurred. (Well, not much that I think has been blog-worthy) Its been the same, unchanged things, day in and day out; exertion through occupation, consume some food, hit the sheets, replicate. Therefore, since I have no extravagant adventures to share, nor any stories that are great in themselves… I’ve resolved to bring you up to date on my monotony.

I’m jammed in neutral.

No matter how you look at it, or in what facet of my life: neutral. Neutral is all I’ve got. I’m not inadvertently heading backwards, but I’m not progressing forwards either.

Work is…. Work. I’m absolutely satisfied with my position, my staff, and my role as a leader. But…. (there’s always a “but”) I am completely burned out after weeks of working five 12+ hour days. I am tired of successfully running myself (and my staff) into the ground for the sole reason of: we don’t have the “bed space” to sufficiently staff the hospital. I am above the fact that some people here think that they are far more enlightened or more spiritual (or whatever may be the case) than others. I am completely turned off by the egos that rule my daily life.

Spiritually, its not going so good either. With almost daily devotionals that are slightly undermined with the word “required”, one would think that I was getting my fill. Truth is, I’m not, I’m not even close. Its, by far, not deep enough. I’m not being challenged. I’m not being required to push further. There’s no thought provoking subjects. Don’t get me wrong, I realize this happens to all of us. There are always mountains and valleys in all areas of life. But, in turn, that’s what scares me… God and I were wholly good until about a week ago. Now, I’m starting the decent into a valley. Why is this scary? For the few of you who know me well, you know that my last valley sustained for quite some time, about a year and a half. I don’t want that again. I can’t do that again. A valley like that, while in Africa, (I feel) could do great immeasurable harm. Scary? HECK YES IT IS!

It is human nature to strive for continuity, to want routine in life, to “know” what you’re doing. I can not remember a time when this has applied to me. Regardless of being in West Africa, living with 400 people that I originally did not know, and eating foods that sometimes don’t agree with my American digestive system (all things that are NOT considered normal to the average person), all I want is some excitement – something to become alive about. This, all of this, its become the new norm. This is what I am comfortable with, and all of you dedicated/long-term people in my life… you know I don’t do well with sitting and dwelling in my comfort zone.

On the up side, there is something that keeps me going. On a bi-weekly basis, one of my favorite patients returns to the ship for post-operative check ups. This little girl’s glowing, asymmetrical face is preceded by the pounding of her running feet up the corridor to my work place. I hear the stomping of small feet come to a slow and I know to fix my eyes towards the door. Its not seconds later I see her, walking with a strong purpose towards me, and she greets me with one of the most valuable hugs I have ever received. Every time I see her, every time, I can’t help but think how scared I was for her as she was going in for her first surgery. Every time I see her, every time, I am utterly thankful that she is alive.


Tomorrow is Monday, again. I don't want to be syndicated. I want this week to be the start of an uphill climb from the valley. So, until next time....